So Little Mikey never really had much of a use for Malay - that is, until he got moved to a different kindergarten.
I know most of you probably cried on your first day of kindergarten, but after moving to the new Tadika Smurfs, Little Mikey cried every damned day for two whole weeks. Why?
"Nobody wanna friend meeee-eeee," he sobbed.
You see, Tadika Smurfs was a kindergarten in a dominantly Malay neighbourhood. Little Mikey was moved there because it was nearer to his parents' house.
(By the way, if you're too young to know what Smurfs are, they were a popular cartoon in the '80s about a community of little creatures - kinda like Spongebob, only much less obscene)
To the social elite of Tadika Smurfs, Little Mikey was the awkward English speaking new kid whom nobody understood. And to Little Mikey, Tadika Smurfs was a lot like France, where people looked down their noses at you for speaking English instead of the local language.
"Appa, I don't like school la." Little Mikey complained. "I donno how to talk Malay."
"You must make friends la." Papa Stone said. "Then only you can learn from them."
"But nobody wanna friend me." Little Mikey whined.
"Why?"
"Because I donno how to talk Malay!"
Papa Stone scratched his head. Was this really the idiot who would look after him when he was old? "Maybe I should make another one, just in case?" he wondered.
"Ok," Papa Stone said. "I'll teach you how to make friends."
Little Mikey listened.
"When you go to school tomorrow," Papa Stone began. "You walk up to the first Malay boy you see... and you look him in the eyes... like this." He motioned with two fingers.
"And you say... Sa - ya"
"Sa - ya" Little Mikey repeated.
"Nak"
"Nak"
"Ka - wan"
"Ka - wan"
"A - wak"
"Awak!"
Little Mikey was excited now that he knew the secret code words. He couldn't wait to show up at kindergarten the next day and be one of the cool kids. Maybe they'd even let him play polis sentri!
* * * * *
The next morning, Papa Stone dropped Little Mikey off at the front gate of Tadika Smurfs. Little Mikey hopped off the Honda kapchai, ready to grab the bull by the horns. In his head, he repeated the magic phrase over and over again.
He looked for the first person who would be his new best friend. Mohd Saiful Imran stood by the swings sipping a Junior Juice sachet. Little Mikey closed in. Out of pure curiousity, Papa Stone decided to stay and watch.
His son, in sailor uniform and red Kiki Lala shoes, walked valiantly up to the Malay boy by the swings.
"Imran," Little Mikey said, bold and clear. "Saya nak kahwin awak!"
An uneasy silence followed.
"Eeeeee!... Tak nak lah!" Little Imran cried out, running away.
Little Mikey felt a cry ball rising in his throat. Papa Stone was laughing so hard he almost fell of his motorcycle.
