The truth is, Mike didn't know how he ended up there. But he did know how he didn't end up someplace else.
If Mike hadn't failed the entrance exam, he'd be an MAS pilot by now. Flying across the globe, banging air stewardesses in his free time.
If Little Mikey's cousin hadn't pulled him out from under the parked train before it started moving, he would be wheelchair bound today. Probably a social activitst of some sort.
If Papa and Mama Stone had decided not to succumb to an arranged marriage, right now you'd be reading some other idiot's blog. Probably one with more pictures.
But I know how Mike ended up there.
It started one Saturday afternoon during Mike's first year in university. He was in the hostel cafeteria, sipping cendol by himself and watching a 1980s Hindi movie on TV2. If you know Mike as well as I do, you'd know that he isn't particularly fond of cendol. And he practically hates Hindi movies, let alone retro Hindi movies. But being a freshie, there's only so much you do in campus on a weekend.
Then came an all-too-familiar clap on the shoulder. Mike turned to see a long haired figure towering over him. He would have been a little less anxious if it happened to be a pontianak. Unfortunately, it was his final year senior Sureish.
"Macha, my favourite junior!" Sureish squeezed hard the back of Mike's neck. Semi-paralyzed by the grip, cendol oozed from the corner of Mike's mouth.
"Senior..." he gurgled.
"Wat you doing, da?" he took a seat next to Mike. "Watching Hindi movie all? Come with me tonight. Pirates of the Caribbean. "
Mike raised an eyebrow.
"Tickets, you don't worry. This one on me." Sureish seemed to have the habit of speaking in four-word sentences. "Sareke also I provide."
If someone says they're taking you out to a movie, paying for your ticket, and bringing a date for you, you'd be sceptical. But this wasn't just someone. This was Sureish - the same guy who once tried to get Mike raped by a female weightlifter.
Mike wanted to say verygraciousofyoubutnothanks, but Sureish still had a firm claw hold on the back of his neck. In front of them, Mithun Chakraborthy and his backup dancers grooved, singing "I am a disco dancer..."
"Ok." Mike squeaked.
* * * * *
Mike knew his night had reached the edge of the cliff when he saw the pair of girls they were picking up from the oil palm estate outside their campus.
Sanjana was a plain looking Indian girl, nearly as tall as Sureish. She had endearing bunny-like front teeth and pimply cheks. Her most defining features, however, are the ones a guy would buy FHM magazine to oogle at.
Lalitha was Sanjana's 4 foot cousin who looked like Shrek... No, not Princess Fiona... Shrek. With an afro. No surprise who Mike's date was.
But growing up, Mama Stone had drilled it into Little Mikey's cranium that it's important to be a gentleman at all times. Treat every girl like a lady, she'd say. Besides, Mike was optimistic that Lalitha would have a nice personality. Somewhere beneath her flabby neck and pot belly.
* * * * *
In the cinema, the cousins sat next to each other, bookended by each of their dates.
Lalitha was already pretty peeved at the heavy flirting and cuddling going on between Sureish and her cousin. Lalitha couldn't even hold on to Mike's hand for more than ten seconds before it wriggled away and she would have to try again five minutes later.
As the movie started, Mike hoped the combined feminine good looks of Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom would be able to keep his date occupied, at least for the next two hours.
"Too bad this is an English movie," Lalitha cooed, hugging Mike's arm. "If Tamil movie, we can whistle and shout and make a ruckus." She giggled.
That was also when Mike first noticed how hairy her cheeks were.
Two seats away, a full-on make out session was in progress. Sureish was already getting his money's worth for the tickets. Lalitha casually leaned her bushy head on Mike's right shoulder.
It was only a matter of time, Mike feared. He turned to the row behind him and mouthed the word "HELP!"... I shrugged. What exactly did he expect me to do?
With puppy dog eyes and pursed lips, Lalitha looked up to face Mike.
If there was ever a time Mike wished he hadn't been born, this was it.
